Why Philippine Public Transportation Sucks

Public transportation here in the Philippines suck. It sucks so much ass that it doesn’t make any difference between walking 20 kms. under the scorching heat of the sun and the riding some screwed up public means of transportation. Let me elaborate. Here in the Metro, you can either ride:

the MRT - and get yourself mugged, groped and squeezed the living crap out of you during rush hours. (Rush hour = 24/7) While it is said to be "the cheapest and most convenient" means of getting around the Metro, I say it can be the most stressful of all public utility transportation units. It’s always packed with smelly orcs and sweaty fat office boys wearing iPods thinking they’re some techno dude or something. I really hate it when it becomes so packed because I always I find my face squished at some douche’s hairy armpit.

the bus - and be paranoid about getting robbed, raped and be seated beside some old grumpy lady or some smelly douche with hairy armpits. Also, it will take you 2 hours for every 20 kms. It’s that retarded. The "good" news is, they now installed television and DVD sets so passengers will not get bored. The "bad" news is, they only show Jolina and Marvin Agustin movies.

the jeepney / jeep / dyip - these notorious road machines can serve as a quick ticket to hell, depending on the drivers ability to cheat death and smile about it afterwards over bottles of gin and Red Horse. 99.9% of the time, these jeepney drivers are playing poker with Death at the passengers’ expense. Also, you risk someone might punch you in the face for no apparent reason.

the tricycle / pedicab / padyak / etc. - and end up harassed and haggard by the time you alight the said public transportation unit. The tricycles in our place can beat Schumacher anytime with their superior daredevil driving skills. They are also the boldest. They think their tricycles can kick the living hell out of the 10-wheeler truck they are trying to out maneuver. Ass. Riding these flimsy pieces of scrap metal can also cause lifetime paralysis, stroke, LBM, death and other forms of scary crap that will make you wish you just walked instead of taking the "trike".

the taxi / cab / xitak / etc. - two things : convenience and poverty. It’s convenient, yes, to ride a public transpo where it would drop you off directly where you want to go. But hello to poverty since you can also say goodbye to your conyo tactics of buying Starbucks Java Chip for 2 weeks since riding a taxi from SM North EDSA to SM SouthMall will surely burn your almost empty wallet to kingdom come. Oh, did I mention that you also risk being raped, mugged and killed? No? Well, it’s a possibility noob. You should always check the trunk before riding one. The REAL driver might be sprawled inside.

the FX / colorum vans / L300 / etc. - Ever since the hunt for colorum public utility vehicles have been strengthened by Bayani "Iron Fag Fist" Fernando, these guys are always on the run as if they are some sort of insurgents or something. The military is literally tracking these guys down. Also, riding one will cost you your lunch money. Convenient if you’re riding at the back or in front. If you find yourself sitting at the middle, good luck. Some smelly douche with hairy armpits who sits beside you will hog valuable passenger space. Also, you will feel his buttcheeks touch yours and you can’t do anything about it.

"mini train" / "tulak" / rail cart - I have no idea of what it’s called but it sure looks fun to ride one. These custom made "cart" runs on railways and can usually accomodate 2 to 4 people in one go. The "driver" pushes the cart with all his might. If you want to be buff and look like a Spartan, this is the way to go. It would be funny if the driver is some smelly douche with hairy armpits. Overall, this mode of public transportation rocks! Literally. I suggest you ride one before you migrate to Canada or something. Btw, you risk of being run over by a REAL TRAIN. You can lose a leg or two. Or maybe die. Yes, it’s fun, but don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.

So you see, I’d rather walk 20 kms.  If you think about it, it’s ironic that people are actually paying to ride these moving coffins of fiery death. Plus the traffic is really really really bad. I say we all scrap public transportation. Let’s do it how our national heroes did it…back in the 1800s. Let’s stick to horses and carriages and walking. It’s healthy for you and the environment. Yes? Yes. 100% win.